My Big Bottom Blessing Page 9

  A MOUTHFUL FOR GOD

  Home at last, I threw open my front door—startling my sweet husband who gave me the “What on earth happened to you?” look—and ran as quickly as I could to my bedroom. I threw my purse on the floor, and I threw myself on the bed. Face down. Legs and arms sprawled out. And I cried. And I cried. And then I cried some more.

  Then I let God have it.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: What is wrong with me? Why don't people like me? Why do I get hurt everywhere I go? Why did you make me this way? Why? Why?

  When He could slip in a few words of His own, He answered.

  FATHER GOD: Do you really want to know?

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Of course I want to know. I can't live like this anymore! I hate the way I feel.

  FATHER GOD: Okay, then. Get quiet a minute and take My hand. I'm going to show you something.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Okay. What is it?

  MEMORY FROM HELL

  Into my mind came a childhood memory. I was seven or eight years old at the time. I was visiting my aunt in Florida, and even though I didn't want to stay without my mom, she left me there to play with my cousins. Not long after mom left, my aunt left for work, and we kids were entrusted to the care of my uncle.

  “Time to play a game, kiddos,” Uncle said. “You know the one.” Oh, I knew the one, all right. I'd played it before—a type of hide-and-seek. Only we didn't hide. Our underwear did. Uncle watched as we slid off our panties, and then he'd go hide them. If we found them, we won and got to pick the next activity. If we lost—well, he got to pick. And he always won.

  He won that day, too, and the next thing I knew my little naked body was pushed to the floor, hands bound, rag shoved in my mouth, and innocence taken as tears streaked my little girl cheeks.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Oh, God, not this memory again.

  FATHER GOD: Yes. Keep watching.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: But how could You let that happen to me? Wasn't I cute enough? Wasn't I sweet enough? Didn't my life matter at all?

  FATHER GOD: Keep watching.

  At that time a new character entered my memory—one I never remembered seeing there before. He was ugly. He was dark. He walked up to my little body, knelt down on the floor so he could speak right into my ear, and he said, “You are trash, little girl. No one loves you. Your life isn't even worth protecting. Even your mom left you here.” Then he looked right into my eyes, smiled a grin that was pure evil, stood, and walked away.

  Back on my bed more tears came.

  A LINGERING LIE

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: That was the devil, wasn't it? The devil was there?

  FATHER GOD: That's right, sweet girl. He spoke lies right into your very soul that day—lies you've believed ever since.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I have? As a little girl, when I felt so much rejection, I was just believing the lie?

  FATHER GOD: Yes.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: As a teenager, when I was desperate for boys to like me, no matter what it took, I was believing the lie?

  FATHER GOD: Yes.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Every Sunday that I left church hurt because I wasn't included in this meeting or that—I was believing the lie?

  FATHER GOD: Yes. You believed the lies. Now, let me show you one more thing.

  THE HONEST TRUTH

  Back in that room where my little girl body lay, another new figure appeared in the scene. He sat in the corner of the room on the floor with His arms wrapped tightly around His knees. He was rocking back and forth in agony, tears streaming down His face as He looked straight into my eyes.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: It's Jesus, isn't it?

  FATHER GOD: Yes. It is My Son.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: He was there?

  FATHER GOD: Yes, He was.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: Why didn't He get up and protect me? How could He just sit there like that?

  FATHER GOD: He didn't just sit there. He got up—up on the Cross to protect you. He saved the deepest part of you—the part that will never die. He protected the part of you that responds to My voice. His heart bled for you—My heart bleeds for you. You are My beloved. Your life matters to Me.

  FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN: I see…but I still don't understand why He didn't stop my uncle from doing what he did. I thought Jesus could do anything He wanted.

  FATHER GOD: Anything but take back the gift I gave at the beginning of time—free will. When I created human beings, I chose to give them freedom rather than make them robots despite the high cost to my heart. Your uncle perverted his free will.

  NO MORE TIDAL WAVES

  Words fall very short of describing the kind of pain I was feeling after that encounter with God, but under the ache a very broken part of my heart was being mended. Seeing that vision of pure evil whispering into my little soul made me furious. And the fact that the enemy chose a moment when I was the most vulnerable—the most afraid—to tell me such a crippling lie made me physically ill.

  After years of living as an emotional basket case, truth was finding its way into the cracks in my heart. After years of being robbed of true friendship, healthy relationships, and peaceful living, I would take no more. No more feeling rejected at every turn. No more tidal waves.

  When I look back now on that baby shower, I experience nothing but laughter. I can see that the only thing wrong that day was my deeply wounded heart. I know I was not intentionally left out. I know I was completely loved. What happened is the devil took advantage of a simple human oversight, knowing it would devastate me. He knew my weakness, and it's his job to attack every chance he gets. He does it to you too.

  BUT I'M NOT WOUNDED

  For many years—as a Christian—I did not think of myself as wounded. As a matter of fact, I was quite averse to talking about issues that seemed in any way related to psychobabble. Although I wouldn't balk at simply coming to terms with one's past, I believed that was where it needed to end. After all, once a gal becomes a Christian and is made new, what need is there to navel gaze? What could possibly be gained from dredging up (and possibly even creating) old memories? What a waste of time.

  And in addition to my own thoughts on the matter, I didn't think God wanted to dredge up the past either. His Son died on the Cross for our sins and our wounds, once and for all. Why would we want to bring up anything from the past after such a sacrifice had been made on our behalf? What a slap in the face it would be to Jesus if we should feel the need to revisit the days before we got saved. No way. Every good Christian knows that once you've come to Christ you are made new. No looking back. Enough said.

  Wow.

  Was I ever mistaken.

  REALITY CHECK: WE'RE ALL WOUNDED

  Try as we will to deny it, the truth is we're all wounded. No matter how much we attempt to convince ourselves that our very personal sinner's prayer did the trick, life has a way of proving otherwise. If the decision to follow Jesus in and of itself has the power to change so much in us, why is there still sin abounding in the church? Why do at least four out of ten pastors admit to viewing pornography on the Internet?9 Because pain seeks pleasure, that's why—and a lot of Christians are in perpetual pain.

  Well, what about the part of the Bible that says we are new creatures in Christ once we are born again (2 Cor. 5:17)? Well, it is true. When we accept Jesus into our lives we assume a new position or status before God; the Holy Spirit comes to live in our spirit and a divine new beginning occurs (John 14:23; 1 Cor. 6:19). That is truth.

  But, what about the other parts of us? Our body and soul? Are those made perfectly new at the altar? Someone would have to be in seriously deep denial to say yes to that. I don't think we have to look much further than the mirror to see the truth of this matter. Gray hair? Wrinkles? No…not perfected.

  And what about our soul—the area of our mind, will, and emotions? Is it perfected all at once? Just look at what you are experiencing in your life to answer that question. Depression, anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, self-pity? If you feel any of
these—ever—your soul is not perfected. And if we're not perfect, we're imperfect, and another word for that is wounded.

  WHAT IS AN EMOTIONAL WOUND?

  In order to understand what an emotional wound is, we've got to recognize one important point. We all have emotional needs, just as we have physical needs.

  If I go without getting one of my physical needs met for long enough, I become physically sick. And going without some physical needs long enough, such as water or food, leads to death. The same can be said of our emotional needs. When we go without getting one of them met, we become emotionally sick. A painful void is created, and we'll do nearly anything it takes to fill it.

  FOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS

  It is common knowledge that human beings have emotional needs. Depending on where you look, the list of these needs can be quite detailed and lengthy. Even though mental health professionals may state these needs in slightly different ways, the following list is an accurate summary of the four basic emotional needs of mankind.

  Unconditional love. This refers to love that is expressed (spoken) to us in appropriate verbal and physical ways such as words, hugs, and kisses.

  Security. This means a feeling of total security, a physical and emotional safety which is more than just having a roof over our heads.

  Praise. This means being verbally affirmed, valued, and admired by another.

  Purpose. This is a reason for us personally to be alive and to have a feeling of hope for the future.

  Now, in God's perfect plan, our parents were meant to take care of these needs for us as a model of what God Himself intended to do throughout our lives. But, as Dr. Sandra Wilson says, “Even the most well-meaning parents unintentionally inflict hurts by being unprepared, unavailable, or, more likely a combination of both.”10 A wound is created no matter the motivation of the “wounder.” It doesn't have to be a direct assault such as in sexual abuse. In fact, some of the worst wounds are caused when a fulfillment of a need has been omitted rather than an abuse committed. And wounds don't have to be the result of our parents' actions. Even in our adult years, we continue to suffer wounding at the hands of people in our lives—sometimes people we've put our trust into.

  COUNTERFEITS

  Because there are no perfect parents (or people in general, for that matter), there isn't one of us who has had all of our emotional needs met completely. And even if we had a wonderful childhood, there are times throughout our lives when our emotional needs don't feel met. So, think of this: If you were denied water for several days, what would be the first thing on your mind? Getting water. You would be tempted to drink anything resembling water—even a counterfeit—to get that need met, right? People will even drink their own urine in times of extreme thirst.

  Now, what if we talk about an emotional need such as the need for praise? Say when you were a little girl no one ever told you how beautiful you were or how important your existence was. Or, now that you're grown, maybe it's been a really long time since you heard someone affirm you. What do you think becomes essential? That's right, getting praise. Now, even though you might be totally unaware of the reason, you might become compelled to get approval from anyone who will give it to you. A great analogy describes it this way: it's like walking around with an IV needle inserted in your arm and holding on to the other end, ready to stick it into anyone who comes your way so you can suck what you need out of them.

  And what if your need for love seems unmet? That won't just go away. You'll still have a need for physical affection, and you may just settle for lust (maybe your own lust, or someone else's toward you) rather than real love.

  Or if your need for security doesn't seem fully met, maybe now you'll feel driven to have the biggest and best of everything. Money has become your source of security and your need for it seems to grow and grow.

  And what about purpose? If you don't feel you have a purpose, you might work yourself to death trying to make it to the top of the corporate ladder. Or you might offer to serve everywhere there's an opening at church so your pastor will pat you on the back and say, “What would we do without you around here?” Or maybe, in order to feel really important, you might have to start a ministry—any ministry.

  The truth is, if we are doing any of these things in order to get our emotional needs met, we are going to counterfeit sources. The only real way to get needs met is from God Himself.

  UNGODLY MOTIVATION

  We can't be truly effective disciples of Jesus Christ when we are being led by a wounded heart because our motives will be twisted. Before we discuss what this means, let me say that I don't mean that all we do for the Lord in our wounded state is worthless. Absolutely not. In His goodness, our heavenly Father works all things for good in the lives of those who are called by Him for His purposes (Rom. 8:28). He uses our lives in spite of ourselves.

  What's important to see, however, is that our motivation for service won't be totally pure if we are driven to serve because of our wounded heart, and that's sure to have a negative effect on whatever we are doing, be it serving, parenting, or whatever. Whether we are aware of it consciously or not, we will be seeking to meet our unmet emotional needs in almost everything we do. Our motives will be selfish rather than selfless like those of our Lord. His heart was whole. He wasn't emotionally wounded. To follow Him means to walk with Him closely, to know Him, and to know how to become more like Him. To be whole.

  I remember that ever since I became a believer, I had a passion to serve the Lord. I wanted to do anything He would ask me to do, no matter what the cost. But it wasn't until I began to see my woundedness, and to receive healing for those wounds, that I have been able to truly serve Him rather than myself. This is a process, and I don't expect to be completely healed until heaven, but it is getting better all the time. I'm finally able to experience what it's like to love people with no strings attached.

  GOD'S THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER

  So what does God think about this issue of emotional wounds? Isn't it like telling Jesus His work on the Cross wasn't enough when we admit to still being wounded? No, it's not. In fact, God knows we are wounded and tells us so in the Bible:

  For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds. (Jeremiah 30:17)

  The LORD builds up Jerusalem; He gathers together the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:2–3)

  The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed. (Luke 4:18)

  These verses show that God is aware of our brokenheartedness, and it is His desire to heal us. And the wonderful thing is that He loves us enough to heal each and every one of our wounds individually—to take us to the places deep within us that need a divine touch by Him. He doesn't expect us to just get over anything. He cares enough to heal every wound inflicted upon my heart since the time of my birth. He loves me enough to take me there—to escort me to the entry point of each and every lie I've believed so that He can displace the lies with truth. He wants to do that for you too.

  FOUR STEPS TOWARD HEALING

  There is nothing we can do to get rid of our emotional wounds except to get them healed. We cannot yell them away (rebuke them), nor do we need to ask God to forgive us for having emotional wounds. That would be as ridiculous as pointing a finger at a deep, bloody puncture in our thigh and shouting, “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. Be gone with you!” And just slapping a bandage over the top of it isn't going to do anything either. What that bleeding sore needs isn't to be scolded or hidden, it needs to be healed. So does our heart.

  So how does that healing happen? Well, the short answer is, supernaturally. It is a divine work of God that cannot be put into a one-size-fits-all formula. It truly is an experience and not a procedure. However, there is a basic description of what transpires when we are being hea
led. First, we admit we are wounded. (If you're still not sure you're wounded, check out the list of personality types associated with emotional wounds in appendix B.) Second, we entrust our hearts to Father God (which can only happen when we truly know Him and believe we are His child). Third, we allow the Holy Spirit to bring to mind times in our lives when we were hurt and to then reveal to us the lies we started believing. Fourth, we allow Him to tell us the truth of the matter. When we choose to believe it, the power of God's truth overpowers the influence of the lie, and healing starts to take place. It really does.

  In his book Telling Yourself the Truth, Dr. William Backus calls this process the “steps to becoming the happy person you were meant to be.” He says we must locate our misbeliefs, remove them, and replace them with truth.11 I believe this is exactly what God means when He tells us to renew our minds (Eph. 4:23). The neat thing is He actually does the renewing. All we have to do is submit to the process by jumping up on the operating table and letting Him have His way.

  Easier said than done, right? Some of us have been very deeply wounded, and trusting anyone—God included—with those places takes real guts. But you will never experience all the victory, power, and love that God has already deposited in your spirit if you don't give Him an all-access pass to your soul. We've got to allow Him to take us into His arms and pour the healing ointment of His love and truth right into every single crevice of our brokenness. Then we will be like King David when he prayed: